I’ll Be Back - The Problem with Procrastination

First of all I want to dispel some horrible rumours by many of my only reader: “this blog is just one big paid advertisement”. I can assure every reader of this blog including its only reader that I am not being paid to do this blog. I do it because I try to explore a strange concept – procrastination. Apparently writing a blog must be one of the highest forms of procrastination.

I recently learned about this term. I’ve never actually practised it. Procrastination implies putting off important tasks but fortunately I never do anything. I decided to dig deeper… here’s what I found.

People and students are especially vulnerable to procrastination. Since my only reader is a student I decided to explore the problem from his or her… ok his viewpoint. Students have a love-hate relationship with procrastination – which means they love and hate procrastination at the same time. If you allow, I would like to indulge in a series of metaphors. Think of the act of procrastination as a kind of purgatory – stuck between the hell of doing something productive and the heavenly bliss of doing fun stuff. You’re stuck in a nether world instead of someone’s nether region. And the four horsemen of procrastination are as follows (in order of increasing thriftlessness).   

1. YouTube

2. Facebook

3. Angry Birds

4. Going to Lectures

Many students regret their procrastination prowess – not realizing that procrastination is the only thing they’re good at. I can’t count the times when graduates blame procrastination for their less than stellar lives – because there weren’t any. But if they did, they might say something like: “I am such a worthless “has-been” when I was such a promising “could-have”. Don’t worry, I am here to help you overcome these four demons and even use them to your advantage.

1. YouTube – formerly known as catfunnylol.com, this site is responsible for another lost generation. I believe the best way to avoid procrastination on YouTube is not watching stuff on YouTube. But I guess you want something simpler. Then immediately delete all browsers except Internet Explorer. IE turns every YouTube video into a slide-show titled “drying paint”. Kiss your procrastination goodbye.

Benefits of YouTube – you can become a Z-list celebrity by doing your own show; just have to stand out among the other 48 hours of videos uploaded every minute.

2. Facebook – formerly known as myspace.com and future checkbook.com, this site is responsible for the continuing downturn in the developed world (case in point: China has no FB). The first remedy for FB procrastination is not to have any ‘friends’ on your profile. But if you want to have friends then ‘add’ only those you really know: shouldn’t be more than 20-25 people if you’re honest with yourself. Then ‘add’ some really annoying relatives to spy on you and post awkward things on your wall. If all goes well your FB procrastination will be cut down on average by two hours a day.

Positive effects of FB – instead of spying on your ex-girlfriend/boyfriend/best friend’s mom why not make an album (like Adele) expressing your pain and frustration. I suggest the names “Someone ‘Like’ You” and “Rolling in the News Feed” for the first two singles.

  3. Angry Birds – or the awkward moment when you publish a third volume of Angry Birds fan fiction. Nothing more to say than: “Kids, don’t do drugs”. Or better yet: “Drug, don’t do kids”.

Positive effects of Angry Birds: well I guess you can buy stock in Nokia before it is bought by Angry Birds maker Rovio.

    4. Going to Lectures – or the most deceitful type of procrastination. After playing Angry Birds four hours daily for two years you might get the creeping feeling of wasted time. The same cannot be said about lectures. They tend to be disguised as academic work even though most students only sit, sleep/daydream/browse/text/eat/think about the next lecture – often all at the same time. Now I am not encouraging students to skip lectures because most of them already do that. I suggest that students take notes only on interesting (to them) modules and voice record the boring lectures.

Positive effects: you can sell your lecture notes through the-notebook.co.uk and earn money (yes, plural form). 

The Best 5 Jobs while at Uni

Now many of you (yes there’s more than one reader) might think that it’s unfair to make such a list because it reflects my own limited experience and biased opinion. I can assure you that I didn’t have any experience whatsoever with most of the described jobs. The ranking is based on the most objective criteria known to man: my opinion.

5. Library helper – this job puts the old adage “no work is beneath me” to its ultimate test. 

To be a library helper is to be a garbage collector in an academic environment with the added benefit of people watching you. Everywhere you look – a sea of empty sandwich and crisps wrappers, half-eaten apples, coffee cups, red bull cans and students with imminent deadlines. Moreover, when you thought dealing with textbooks for exams couldn't get more boring – guess what, shovelling their mangled remains onto trolleys is not exhilarating either. I believe it was the uber-philosopher Thomas Hobbes who perfectly summed up the work of a library helper: “solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short”. But by all means the t-shirt they give is nice… they take it back after you finish.

4. Participating in team-based competitions – it may not be very interesting but this type of work has one big advantage over others: it doesn’t require any work. Few students are aware of the overwhelming number of student competitions – strapped for cash companies use these challenges as an R&D substitute. And even fewer students enter these challenges. Following the law of large numbers we get that fewer competitors equals bumbling idiots sometimes taking the gold. There’s another equation you should be aware of: Assets (your team-mates collective skills) minus Liabilities (your gross incompetence) equals the Capital of the team (it should be positive if you want to bring home the bacon). In worst case you end up runner up and get some free food. This brings us to the next job on our list. 

3. Looking for free food – your house mates’ section in the fridge is a good start but if you really want some change in diet then I’m afraid you need to get out of the house. Right off the bat there a few alternatives available: employer presentations, religious unions and ethnic societies. They all want to lure you in with nice (and delicious) things, brainwash you and then make you return with a contribution: it’s basically a brief lesson in democracy. The trap of the “free lunch” can be avoided but it requires the timing skills of an atomic clock. You need to learn precisely when the boring part is over: come too early and fall asleep, come too late and be left with table scraps. The first couple of times you might get burned but after that it would be a never-ending party (possible side effects may include diabetes). The tacit knowledge and skills acquired for this job will be most useful to 90% of students who will go on a distinguished career of being unemployed graduates.

2. Honest, well-paid and engaging job which doesn’t insult the intellect – good luck finding one…

1. Selling your lecture notes to the-notebook.co.uk – with national growth doing the moonwalk and unemployment lines mistaken for Holiday parades why not make education work for you now. You might even learn something. Most of us have experienced the “awkward moment when®” we find a module that we actually enjoy and are eager to go to its lectures. It’s usually once in a lifetime moment or it may never happen. But if you come across one such module then do take notes – (on paper or in a word document) and upload them to the-notebook.co.uk. Every time some ailing student downloads your precious notes you get a hefty commission. There’s no downside and the upside is virtually unlimited. So charge your pencils and sharpen your MacBooks and discover the unadulterated joy of sharing… for money.